


Of Joy and Disappointing Phone Calls

by phantasior



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, idk this is just an entire joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-04 22:35:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14030301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantasior/pseuds/phantasior
Summary: In which Lotor's generals keep randomly calling him for the stupidest things and he can't handle it.





	Of Joy and Disappointing Phone Calls

It was a pleasant day for the Galrans—especially for Lotor. He was busy ordering several squadrons of soldiers to invade different planets, and all was going well; the only thing not going well was the mission to get Voltron, but he figured expanding their sphere of influence was just as important. He'd been at this all day, though it'd been awhile since all of their missions had been so successful. They'd conquered another ten planets all in just a few hours and Voltron just wasn't appearing to do anything about it. He laughed to himself. Those fools.

His phone rang.

Way to ruin the moment. He picked it up, answering monotonously, "Hello?"

"Lotor, Lotor, dude," came Ezor's voice from the other line. She sounded fairly excited, and he wasn't interested in the slightest as to why. "Consider this."

"I am busy. Is this important?"

"Shh, just listen, okay, shhhh, consider this idea," she said quickly. And then she paused dramatically.

"You, except with a bowl cut."

He hung up.

***

The weather was nice on the Galra planet for once. There were a lot of stars in the sky, so he'd decided to lounge outside and eat the Galra equivalent of ice cream. It was the middle of the night, so he'd abandoned his duties and let everyone go to sleep or do whatever they did at night. Ah, what a nice feeling to just relax and do nothing as if he was some normal civilian. If he had a wife, this could be their Romantic Moment or something.

His phone rang.

Lotor sighed, reluctantly pulling his hand away from his food as he picked it up. "Yes?"

"Oh, my God, Lotor," came Ezor's voice again. "Where are you right now? I wanna try this thing."

"What thing?" he asked curiously. Some new weapon? If so, he was intrigued.

"I dunno, I think it's something a lot of Earthlings use," she answered slowly. "I found one it with one of our prisoners. Apparently if you make someone sit on it, it makes a farting sound. It's called a whoopee cushion, I think. Isn't that hilarious?"

He didn't know why he was surprised.

"No," he answered. "Not at all." And then he hung up.

***

"Yes, this is perfect," Lotor said, rubbing his hands together. "This cannon can destroy a planet of what size again?"

The Galra soldier he was talking to pulled up a diagram, indicating the scale. "This big, Your Majesty."

"Amazing," Lotor murmured. "It could obliterate Voltron if they were to attack us."

"Yes, though, unfortunately, it does take a few days to charge up with quintessence."

"No matter. That simply means it shouldn't be used carelessly." He stepped back, putting his hands on his hips. "If that is the case, we have a change in plans! Our conquest will go much faster now. I have not felt this excited in years, my friend. Thank you for building this." He whirled around. "I suppose I must go make an announcement for everyone to loosen up on their attacks. They could celebrate for all I care! This is a huge moment!"

He flew out the door, his hair bouncing behind him. God, life was just so good these days. The empire was thriving, and it was all thanks to him and his trusty soldiers. How could anything go wrong in these circumstances? Lotor was jubilant.

His phone rang.

He stopped in his tracks, tempted to throw his phone to the floor and stomp on it. Instead, though, he picked it up like a normal person. "Yes, Ezor?" he answered irritatedly.

"Bro!" she shouted, and he felt like cringing. Did she just say 'Bro'? Was that a thing? "You've gotta come here and solve this dispute because I am not having this crisis in my good Galran household."

"What is wrong?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Maybe this was a serious call for once.

"Everything! Everything, I'm telling you!" Ezor answered. "You won't believe it. Acxa put in the cereal before the milk. Who does that? She keeps telling me there's no reason to put milk before cereal, and I just... Please, oh, God, _please_ set her right or I might just pull a Superman and launch myself onto Earth and never return."

Lotor opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again.

"What the hell is a... Superman?"

***

"We've built another cannon," the same soldier from a few days ago notified Lotor excitedly, sweating profusely. "That way, if one isn't able to be used, we can use the other. I think we can make the first move on Voltron for once."

Lotor clasped his hands together. He couldn't be more pleased. "No, we don't need to," he declared, practically glowing. "Let them come to us. Keep these cannons prepared. Use them on a planet only if you absolutely must. We are practically immune now—we do not need to make anymore moves. Why, everyone has been doing so well lately." He let out a content sigh, turning around. "If this continues, I may need to host an entire feast in celebration of our constant progress. Our empire is doing so much more well than it ever did under Father." He left the room, skipping away. Which was very out-of-character for him—he must've been just that glad with how things were going.

His phone rang.

Of course his phone was going to ring at a time like this. He yanked it out, answering the call. "What is it now, Ezor?" he spat.

"Whoa, chill," came a hoarse voice that certainly wasn't Ezor. Crap, that was Zethrid. "I was gonna ask if you could, like, come 'nd spar with me. Ezor ain't doing it because she's afraid I'm gonna beat her to a pulp! What am I supposed to test my six-pack on, huh?"

"I—" Lotor wasn't sure if he'd be more disappointed if it were Ezor or not. "Just duel with Acxa or Narti, what the hell. I'm busy being a happy emperor."

He hung up and then continued merrily going back to his throne.

***

Lotor woke up in the middle of the night to his phone ringing. Jeez, how late was it right now? Which of his generals would want to call him at this hour? He was having a good dream in which he got to snap Ezor's neck, too. He rolled over and went back to sleep, only to be awoken again by his phone ringing a second time. Oh, for the love of God—

"What do you want, Ezor or Zethrid or whoever you are?" he yelled groggily, pushing himself up.

The other line was silent, and then he heard Acxa say, "It's me. I was only going to tell you that Ezor hid a whoopee cushion on your throne and I know you wouldn't be happy if you fell for that."

"Oh," Lotor said slowly.

"Also," she added quietly, "do tell her to be quiet about the cereal issue. She is giving me migraines."

Lotor snorted. "With pleasure," he told her. "Well, if that's all, then good night. Also, don't call me in the middle of the night ever again no matter how important it is." He hung up, going back to sleep.

***

It had been weeks since Ezor or Zethrid had called him for their preposterous issues, and now Lotor was able to enjoy his life as Galran emperor. He'd just come back from a grand feast with all his generals and other higher-ups of the kingdom, and he had never felt more content. Of course, they still hadn't defeated Voltron yet, and they weren't done taking over the universe, either, but who cared? Living in the moment—the pleasant, beautiful, peaceful moment—was enough for him. He marched back to his throne room, energized and ready to fucking rule.

His phone rang.

He stopped walking, picking up the phone. Probably Acxa again—she'd been calling him a lot recently, and for completely normal, reasonable things, too. "Hello?" he answered.

There was silence, and then a very robotic voice that couldn't be Galra or any normal living human being. It had to be computer-generated. "I can use this Earthling technology to talk now," said the robotic voice. "It's Narti, by the way. Can you imagine if I had a face? Do you think I would look pretty? I've always wanted to ask someone this."

Lotor didn't know what to say to that.

"Also, Ezor wants me to tell you that milk goes before cereal."

As much as he wanted to tell Narti he was sure she'd have a great face, he still hung up right then and there.

***

The four Galra generals were all hanging out on their own somewhere at one of their bases, neglecting their duties due to the fact that the empire was doing too well right now. They had to admit, life was pretty relaxing lately—it wasn't just Lotor. They were very happy with how things were going lately, too. They wondered if they'd feel this glad about how the conquest was going if they weren't Lotor's military generals, and they decided that no, they really wouldn't. The positions they had were blessed, and they wouldn't give them up for the world.

All of their phones rang simultaneously.

"Wow, what's this?" Ezor said, picking up her phone. "Oh, it's Lotor. Haha, probably something important. Let's see what he's got to say."

"How did he call all of us at the same time?" Acxa asked.

"You can do anything if you're determined enough," Zethrid told her, flexing her muscles as if it proved her point.

"Is... is what he's calling us for important enough for him to go out of his way to find out how to call all four of us at once—"

"Let's just answer the call, jeez," came Narti's computer-generated voice. They had to admit, that was still terrifying, but they had to get used to it.

"Alright," Ezor said, answering the call. The rest of them did, too, waiting. The line was silent.

And then Lotor spoke.

"You're all fired."

**Author's Note:**

> send help


End file.
